I Wuz a 56-year-old Virgin
Pack Leader tells me humans live seven years for every one of ours.
In that case, I told her, I expected seven times as many treats for my eighth birthday this month—however many that is! (I don’t do timeses.)
Little did I know I had an extra-special treat coming my way…on four cute little bitchy paws!
We were visiting my favorite set of neighbors. Deb and Scotty are my personal faves because Deb always has goodies going on in the kitchen and she is one of the most generous humans I know when it comes to feeding wolves. So there I was, being petted and feted by half a dozen humans around a backyard barbecue, when a good-looking, aromatic young miss poked her ears above the garden wall.
I heard myself whine with longing.
Darned if she didn’t come down to our level, followed by her human. Wow! She smelled terrific! It was love at first sniff. I couldn’t stop following my overactive nose.
She smelled terrific! It was love at first sniff. Click To Tweet
Pack Leader asked, “Is she in heat?”
Duh! I thought at her, but the young lady’s human said, “I don’t know. It seems to stop and then start—I can’t figure it out.”
Pack Leader gave a little groan, just as I felt an uncontrollable urge to get on my hind legs and pump away.
“That’s the wrong end,” was Pack Leader’s dry remark. I had been mounting the poor girl’s face. I guess she didn’t know how this business goes anymore than I did. After all, I’m “fixed”, as they say, a term I always thought referred to one of my better qualities in the eyes of humans.
“Oh, no!” shrieked the girl’s human as I corrected my mistake by flipping my paramour end for end and mounting the right end smartly.
“Don’t worry,” Pack Leader said. “He’s fixed. No puppies possible.”
Well, that was encouraging. Babysitting a bunch of little rug rats formed no part of my plans for my elder years. Yet here I was, doing the unplanned—having sex for the first time in my life! Wow! I didn’t even have to do any training for it—my body apparently knew how all along!
The pleasure ended just as I was getting used to it. Darn! It was over for us. I tried to dismount—but I was stuck!
“Hey!” I snarled at her. “Let go, already! It’s over, don’t you know?”
My paramour’s human was screeching in horror. Pack Leader and the other humans tried to soothe her. “It’s normal!” “The males are stuck because they have an extra gland—”
I do? You mean, it wasn’t her fault?
“How long does this last?” wailed her human.
“Sometimes twenty minutes,” said somebody. I don’t know how long twenty minutes is, but it sounded ’way longer than I wanted it to be. All the humans except my girlfriend’s human were killing themselves laughing, which is hardly the respectful, admiring way I am usually treated. This was no fun! It hurt!
Suddenly there was a release. I was so eager to end this fiasco that I trotted to the end of our long leash immediately, without so much as a goodbye kiss.
I shot Pack Leader a look. Home! Now!
She obliged, sharing a parting laugh with the graceless humans. Once home, she offered me a good-dog treat but I merely stalked off to bed—her bed—where I slept the sleep of the dead and the just.
Next day, as we passed my girlfriend’s place. I heard that same whine of longing escape my throat.
“Leave it,” suggested Pack Leader.
You bet, I told her. That sexy business isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.That sexy business isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Click To Tweet
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